I have a relationship of love and hate with life. Always had. I didn't understand how people could be sooooooo hypocrite, living with lies, not sharing their real feelings and stuff... I used to throw the reality in their faces or tried to show them some moral values and what they were all about. How to live righteously and its gains.
Worst part of all... I even expect people around me to work and function as I do. To be honest, self engaged, with a real good sense of personal responsibility and friendship. I now realize how different is my way of thinking. How hard is for them to understand me, some are so in to the system, they even forget how precious life is, how it is the most important thing in the whole world. Our experiences, to see our soul growing, getting mature and feeling connected to the universe. In the end, that's all that matters: how we experimented life, how we let it change us, mold us, transform us, so at the end we can transcend to a better being, human being, transcend our souls, our minds, reasoning with humility...
I guess my soul finally got calm. I can finally see beyond myself, my atitudes, how dumb I was trying to change the world the way I was doing, trying to force it upon people. It's a sensation of pure awakeness. I have to start apologizing to almost everyone I know. I have to get back to their level and from there work through. I didn't realize how odd I sounded to them, how strange I was presenting myself as a unique person with another way of thinking life.
Dr. House once said: "Almost dying don't change anything. Dying changes everything". I beg to differ. Almost dying has changed everything. And it has to the most important person: me. Dying changes everything to others, almost dying changes everything to you. I have evolved so much after what happened to me. Have thought against my feelings and my reason. Have discovered how strong we are, how amazing our body is and how underrated life is.
As you can see I learned from my mistakes. I saw myself through others eyes and it felt embarrassing. I was playing the wrong game. I was making a fool of myself. Therefore, underappreciated I am. A difficult person to deal with, someone with high standards, and what for? To be considered arrogant, perfectionist, with uncontrolled humor... Well, all I can say, that was the end of the old me, again. Part of being able to exist is being able to change, to recreate ourselves, to have fresh starts anytime you want and to persist on the way to real happiness.
Suddenly I see. I see through the darkness of human kind. I see how they live their lives and how I have to live mine, in other to live with them. Being sick is not just suffering, it is a wake up call. It's a life changing situation, sometimes it seems that it happens to the chosen ones, the ones who will make something with their scars and actually leave their mark in the world.
