segunda-feira, 6 de fevereiro de 2012

Odd wave of ... I don't know what...

Hey everyone... 

Just wanted to get some thoughts out of my head... 

I thought things would get easier with time, but I guess I was wrong. Actually, now I have to confront every single emotion. I also have to control myself, control what I say, what I do, control what I think and what I feel, so I don't get stressed anymore. 

It's been really hard... If you knew me you would know that I'm a fighter, no, really, literally a fighter. I fight for the right things, for justice, for equality, stuff like that. All that I do, all of my actions are done with the sense of righteousness, with integrity and honesty. 

Though I think those actions should be general, they are actually rare and unappreciated. As a matter of fact, I am considered a "trouble maker" but as the song already said " I don't give a damn about my bad reputation". Going against the flow has given me nothing but terrible headaches! 

And guess what? Even the vasculitis came back! Sometimes when I get really nervous, my whole body turns red! I said to a co-worker the other day that I was the only person that I knew who could literally see the "blood boiling". 

My doctor has faith in me, and he is still taking me off the meds, slowly, but it seems to be working even with all that I'm being through these past days. 

Long story short: We can't rely in people who surronds us. If they were any good, we would have selected them to enter our circle of friends. They are imposed to us, their presence, their non-sense, their presence (yes, I reapeated!)... So why worry so much? Our health, including the mental one, should be our first priority. Nothing else matters. 

I'm now choosing rationally my fights and putting my health again as top of my priorities (maybe I  relaxed a lil bit too early). I'm still going to the psychologist (there should also be a program of anger managment here... ) and I believe it has worked so far... ... but... I'll probably look for a psychiatrist. I'm just trying to regain strength by making my mind stronger. 

This year in my life is called: Recovery. I know I only have to strive against my own self. God is already by my side. 

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