domingo, 11 de dezembro de 2011

When self pity doesn't suit you.

Yesterday I took a friend of mine to the market to buy my depression kit: 1 bar of white and black chocolate (lately it has been my favourite since it has both kinds of chocolates in one bar), loads of sweet condensed milk, which is a base ingredient for the most famous brazilian dessert called "brigadeiro", 1 dark  cocoa powder and 1 chocolate sandwich cookies.. I was hoping to get cheetos too... but then I remembered that they have too much salt and I decided not to take it...

I mean... For a person who is actually poisoning herself with bad food and sweets... a pack of cheetos wouldn't be the end of the world or would it be? But anyways, I don't drink sodas anymore and I try not to eat things with salt but I wonder, is that making any difference?

As I was there, waiting to go through the cashier,  I noticed some odd looks towards myself. I thought, I actually said it out loud, that I wish I would just stay home until this horrible phase pass... But then, my great friend comes, looks at me and says: "Sally, self pity never suited you".

Oh Shit.... That's true. I've always been a fighter, captain of my handball team, the one who used to support everyone around me! WTH am I doing to myself? I'm complaining about colateral effects from the medicine, buy hey, did I EVER tried HARD enough? Did I ever do things the RIGHT WAY?

I guess I didn't. So if I didn't, I don't know for a fact if I could be in a better shape right now, do I ??? Being strong is not just about doing the right thing, it is also about acknowledging that you are wrong. I don't understand why I sabotage myself. Yeah... terrible way to understand that taking care of myself means to be deprived of a few things... means to do my best, means the most important challenge of my life....

Then,  why is it so hard? So hard to count only on me, so hard to give the first step? If I continue like this, going through this self pity trip, I have no idea where I would end, in fact, I think I would "end". Nothing that I've been plaining will happen, I will get nowhere and I will become "The Unforgiven" !!!!!!  Hell nooooo!!!!

I will not let myself down by others or even by myself! I have no time to waste!

Making a real change in my life in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

See y'all!

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